Ending of 2014

As I sit here at home tonight thinking back at how our lives have changed in the last 365 days. This time last year I was able to pick up the phone to call or text mom but now I can't. I can talk to mom anywhere I want, knowing she can see and hear me always. During 2014, I was able to celebrate mom's birthday, Easter, Mother's Day and have a graduation party for Haley/birthday party for dad with mom. In February mom started experiencing some digestive issue thinking this would be her gallbladder she went to the DR. Some test were ran and during her CT Scan they found lessions on her liveer and that's when the beginning of the change forever to my world started. I have sat at home so many times watching TV, reading something, or just have a thought come in my head and think I need to tell mom or wonder what she thought about that. That has truely been the hardest part of the last 5 months is no longer being able to humanly communicate with mom. Grief is the strangesst emotion. I can go days something and think WOW I'm starting to cope with all of this and then BAM out of no where I become a blubbering idiot. I never knew true pain until 8/1/2014 and now I understand. There are times when I feel like I can not breathe or when all I want to do is cry but I'm going to figure out how to survive and make mom proud. Love you MOM today and always.

Holiday season has begun

As much as I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks, the Christmas season is upon us. We spent last weekend in Gatlinburg, oh how we all missed you. We played Shut the Box, Head and Foot, along with a game of Uno and Monopoly. Bethany and myself helped Auntie cocok lunch on Thurseday. As much as I've said I am not shopping Thursday night/Friday, well Bethany talked me into shopping Thursday night. We all decided to keep dad busy on Saturday, so we went to see the Hatfield and McCoy Christmas show. Saturday would have been mom and dad's 45th wedding anniversary. Hard to believe they would have been married 45 years. Before we left, Dad and I got your grave site decorated. Still can not believe I am decorating your gravesite instead of watching you decorate the house. A very beautiful tombstone piece full of poinsettas and a flag with a cabin on it. Haley and Cassidy helped dad yesterday decorate the house and put the tree up. All of mom's UK christmas things are out, the manager scene and some other things are out. As much as I didn't like going out to mom's open house, it will definately seem weird not going to it this year.

Longing

Oh how I long to talk, see, or hear you voice. It has been 3 1/2 month since I was able to see your beautiful face. Shortly after I lost you, the first thing I did was pull back all voice mails I had on my phone from deleted so I could hear your voice agaain. But to text you or call you is something I so think about doing from time to time. Never imaged losing you could hurt so bad. I am trying to live a normal life or atleast carry on my day to day activities. I know you are up there watching over me just like you did when I was a child, you want to make sure I'm making the right moves, and I'm trying to. Well, all those time I agrivated you about not sleeping- I'm living the wake up in the middle of the night life now. I felt better blogging when you were receiving chemo treatments, so I believe I will go back to this. It maybe nothing more than how much I miss you today or how my day is. Love you MOM and miss you tremendously.

A week later

It is hard to believe it has been a week. 

There have been so many things I would have picked up the phone to call and told you andHaley started high school this week. 

Even tho you are not here in the physical sense, I know you are still here with me watching over us. 

I received 2 beautiful rose bushes that I have planted outside, 

Mom gained her angel wings today

Another Day with MOM

Yesterday we spent the day with some family that came to visit with mom.

As always when Marlin and Cheryl visits there is some form of entertainment.  I will not discluse the full event of entertainment but the story never gets old. 

OH and I got to see the baby bunnies again yesterday several times.  Every time I walked by the sections they are in I always stopped to see if I could find atleast one and I could. 

We were blessed with another night with mom. 

This is truely the hardest thing I have experienced.  I have a wonderful group of family and extended family known as friends. 

Last Night

Last night went better than the night before (according to the report from Auntie).  The night before she was restless and confused but last night she slept good actually all night until about 6am.  She woke up about 6 am - she was agitated and starting to hurt.   She was ready to go to town.  She wanted up and to go to town.  Never told me why but that she was ready and was going.   The nurses came in and gave her some more meds for pain and something for the agitation. 

Yesterday Auntie and I looked over some papers I got from moms.  She had written down some information along with a few bible verses.  Below is one she had written down -

Provers 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he wills how you which path to take.


Right now we all in the family have great faith in GOD that he is preparing for moms entry into the wonderful kingdom to have eternal life.